I woke up this morning and realized, I blinked and a whole month has disappeared. My health has been worse, which in turn has darkened my mind and mood. These flares that take over my body, put me in a state of retreat. Retreating from family and friends and trying to focus (alone) on how to win over the array of symptoms I’m dealing with.
I thought talking about it was going to help others, be a release for me, but for the last month I can’t imagine helping anyone. I can’t make anyone feel better about things; I’m going through hell! I had this conversation with one of my closest friends, and she said this could help. In my mind, I think I’m the only one feeling this way, and I am the only one that can fix it. She said by me venting about the hard times, it will help show that my story is real.
I try 90% of the time to focus only on the positive while dealing with my Lupus and Fibromyalgia symptoms. That 10%, though, dang… I can be a real bear. I feel the frustration could literally take over my life, if I let it. Of course I feel anger, sadness, worry, etc., but the amount of bullshit I feel like I’ve gotten from some of my doctors just frustrates the fire out of me. I do my research. I come in with facts. I have thoughts and feelings about treatments I can try. All I want is the respect – I am a person and not just a patient.
Vent over, and I am moving back to the positive phase of my life. I’m still in the middle of a bad flare, but I’m back to owning how I’m going to get past it. If you are going through a dark period with your illness, keep fighting the fight. We are winning. One day at a time.
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